I’ve only had this feeling a few times in my life. The one in most recent memory is when the ultrasound tech congratulated me on the fact we were having twins. Twins?! Weak legs, shaky hands, head racing from ‘what if’ possibility to possibility. Good or bad, its paralyzing – halted by the unexpected and trapped by the inability to have planned for this moment. Basically sheer panic. A few days ago it happened again, in a different way, as the doctor stood over our twins watching their tiny chests heave for air and said I needed to go to emergency right away. The next exchanges were a blur to me, something about the girls breathing, the support they needed and questions if I was okay to take them on my own. I am their mom, of course I’m okay to do this I thought, a small glare forming in my terrified mind. Only now can I look back and be thankful to our amazing doctor for knowing that I needed to take them in, and for asking if I was going to be okay to do it alone.
Two hospital visits, hours of waiting, more hours of staring at them sleeping or wheezing, making sure they were breathing or praying for them to eat, and a few hours of sleep later and we’re hopeful that the worst of this virus is over. Now I’m left with a feeling of gratitude. And exhaustion. But mostly gratitude. For each moment. I know it will pass and I will forget to be thankful for each little smile and eye contact and wet tear, but for now I’m just thankful for every second of it.
I’ve never been good at asking for help. Like most people I prefer to be the ‘helper’ – swooping in to save the day or at least provide a shoulder or a dinner. Today I’m grateful for the help that came without even thinking or needing to ask or say the words thank you. The amazing man I married who always puts his family first, the medical staff that know more than I ever want to about illness, the sister that dropped everything to come so I could sleep for an hour and the friends that checked in constantly and texted at all hours and even came with me to the hospital in the middle of the night so my husband could stay home with our son.
This is an off-topic blog, not having much to do with “what’s entertaining” or etiquette or the finer things in life, but I chose to write it because the experience reminded me about whats really important in life, and even though my house is a mess and we’re eating take out tonight, I have all the important things. And I’m grateful.
Tomorrow I’ll think about how to properly thank all those awesome people in my life …